After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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