Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
