In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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