Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
