i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
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