she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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