Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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