So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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