1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize