He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
