Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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