if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
