I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
