party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
