I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
