I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
