She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
