Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
