I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
