OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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