I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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