Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
