This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
try to milk me bitch
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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