All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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