Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
