I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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