If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize