Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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