What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
