She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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