My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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