why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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