Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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