Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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