Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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