Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We just shotgunned beers for America
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
