Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
