she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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