i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
