the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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