I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
