i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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