Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize