then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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