Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so let's talk penis.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize