see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
