I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
