What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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