It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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