she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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