he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
