Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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