instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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