New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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