If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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