jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
