so explain again why im purple
no
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
