Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
