i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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