I wish I could teleport
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
