i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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