Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The power of my boobs compel you
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
