if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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