It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
