My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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