I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
