I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
